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Sexless relationships
Sex & Intimacy / 8:04 PM - Saturday January 20, 2007

Sexless relationships

Wow. I just read several interesting articles and blogs regarding sexless relationships and the reasons for them (I won't bother going to into WHY I was reading these, but I'm sure you can guess...).

Stress and money problems seem to be considered reasonable causes of lack of interest in or desire for sex with a willing partner. I wonder, though (and the articles didn't say) if there isn't some sort of reasonable time limit on this (i.e., if after X period of time of lack of interest, it isn't enough to simply say, "I'm stressed" anymore and the problem might be greater than that).

Anyone care to weigh on this one? Anyone IN a sexless relationship? BTW - this is defined by the "experts" as a relationship where sex occurs 10 times a year or less.

- Asked by Nora1968, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Managerial

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I think they are more common than we think, though I'd be curious as to what they consider 'sexless'. Is that sex less than once per month or sex less than once per year?

I know a couple that has been married for 27 years and they've had separate bedrooms for 26 years. Its not money or stress that stops them. They just view Marriage as a socially acceptable, religious thing to do to have kids (they had one and wife hasn't slept in the same room with husband since her son was born-26 yrs ago). He's okay with it because I guess he goes elsewhere or something.

I think money and stress is a factor but more than that, I think people marry the wrong people or for the wrong reasons in the first place. So when stress and financial issues kick in, there's not enough mutual love and compatability there to get them through the harder times. Instead they distance from each other and sex would be the first thing to go.

Certainly not an appealing thing...

- Response by thottienc, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Charlotte, Who Cares?

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I know a woman and her husband who have sex less than once a month because of two reasons; first she was on a birth control pill which knocked her libido into the gutter, and second she dips in and out of clinical anorexia, which just about kills any remaining libido you have. It's hell on her husband, but she simply does not have any motivation to have sex, and has told me that she mostly does it because she feels bad for holding out on him for so long.

- Response by damnpoor, A Couch Potato, Male, 22-25, Technical

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I am in a sexless marriage. He abruptly lost interest before getting married and I have thought it was only episodical as he had never enough before. After 5 years the situation is unchanged. I tried to divorce 2 and he wanted me back! I am very hot and I feel very frustrated, but on the other hand I a faithfull person and never betrayd him due to this. He refused sex also while trying to have a baby and we are lower than 12 year. I am looking for the big love again, because sure this lack of intimacy + other problems have been detrimental for my love. He never accepted to go to family counselling. I thought we are not normal, but I read too about many similar cases. It is a mouse trap! Terrible!

- Response by gondra, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I know that it is, stress over money grows and the resentment from it grows. If you are angry and resentful to/with your partner; sex is the last thing on your mind. Though I would rather not be married than to be in a sexless marriage.

- Response by scent, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Chicago, Technical

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It never ceases to amaze that people get pushed so hard into marriage, only to fall for this trap. For a long time, I thought it was mostly the women freezing up on their men, but now I see, that's not necessarily true.
A couple years ago, we had a member here who had been married twenty three years to a lovely, talented woman, whom he adored and treated like a queen. Their sex life was nowhere to be found, and he was reaching desperation. He was determined to get to the root issue, and he spent many hours examining the resources he found here and elsewhere.
It was The Nice Guy Syndrome!
Once he saw how he fit into it, and saw what he needed to change, to get out of it, he began achieving results. The more he treated his wife "right", the worse things got. She was bored with him, she'd lost her respect, and no longer felt attraction. Once he figured out how to make her actually WORK for his approval and attention, which he'd previously been so free about, she immediately changed her attitude. It wasn't a huge adjustment for him, either; it only required a small amount of effort on his part. It worked, though.
That was sort of a stereotype case, and perhaps only 40% fall into this pattern. One variation of this would be where the wife is shit-testing her Nice Guy husband, and as hard as she tries to make him show some balls and a spine, he simply submits to her, instead. That's not what she wants, and the ultimate shit-test comes when she resorts to cheating.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, San Francisco

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I'm in one. Part of it has been her hormones getting all out of whack with her 1st pregnancy. Part of it is just being tired since we're both older and raising a 2 year old. And of course, one of the few times we've had sex in those 2 years...and now she's pregnant again.

So at 40, I feel like I'll never be having sex again. I've suggested a sex therapist, but she's not interested. I haven't decided what I'm going to do next.

- Response by ferrisfan, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Managerial

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Yes, I was in one. That's one of the reasons I divorced him.

- Response by imissit, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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