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Why do married men have affair ...
Married Life / 12:26 PM - Monday September 10, 2007

why do married men have affairs when they are unhappy in their marriages and then stay when the wife

why do married men have affairs when they are unhappy in their marriages and then stay when the wife finds out.?

- Asked by Female, 46-55

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Uh, you mean the chicken shit, lying, selfish, treacherous bastard ones? Uhm, because they just wanted to play and then mommy called them in for dinner.

- Response by 2butterfly, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Self-Employed

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Men have affairs usually for the sex, plain and simple. They want the excitement of sex with a new partner and there are plenty of women out there who will not care that they are married. They usually dont care about their sex partner and are actually happy in their marriage as a whole and so would usually not choose to leave their spouse for the new woman.

Women on the other hand have affairs for emotional reasons ( needs not being met) and so are more likely to leave their spouse as they are emotionally attached to the new person and not in it just for the sex.

These are certainly not applicable to all situations , but are generally true.

- Response by jersey722, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55

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It's called guilt or remorse.

- Response by sam1099, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Boston, Other Profession

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For the children.

- Response by goddard, A Creative, Male, 36-45, Los Angeles, Financial / Banking

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When you say "and then stay when the wife finds out?" do you mean stay in the affair or stay in the marriage?

- Response by anteus, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Teaching

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Because we are basically selfish pricks and when we do get caught we decide to get a conscience.

Now, i'm speaking in general terms as this is not my MO

- Response by rbinaz, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Phoenix, Self-Employed

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Because...as I ALWAYS say...they aren't unhappy. They are greedy. Not bad people, just greedy people. Plain and simple.

- Response by sassafras, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Atlanta, Other Profession

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They usually don't.

Assuming they really are unhappy in the marriage, well then they usually leave, but if they only said they were unhappy inorder to get the affair, then they stay.

Only exceptions could be 1) for the sake of the kids. 2) political or professional ambitions. 3) money, as in she has it and he wants it.

- Response by falconf1, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Ottawa, Who Cares?

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coz divorce judges rarely will decide thier way in a divorce vis a vis alimony/ child support/ child custody

- Response by neanderthal, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles

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Having an affair and being in an unhappy marriage are two different things. You are assuming that the men are unhappy and thats why they seek out other women but it may be a short term relief, lots of men used to have mistresses and those who didn't would cheat and buy their wives gifts as a kind of apology. Some men are exclusive but it seems a universal man thing to want 'two women at the same time'

- Response by nico88, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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I think they really want "relationship" and all that it brings but sometimes wives can get to be really overbearing! There often does not seem to be a lot of trust by wives toward their husbands on a lot of day to day things.

- Response by kmanga, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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Ultimate Fear of Alimony & Child Support kicks in

- Response by A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Transportation

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Hello,
I have not read the other answers , and I don't want to, but In my view it is usually because the guilt and the turmoil caused by the process of divorce and the social expectancy of groveling to beg forgiveness that makes it that way, which seems to make them stay.
There are some who really don't have it bad in their relationships and the extra is just that... but there are also those who are truely in love with multiple people and really don't have any clear lines from one to the other and while many will say it is not possible... it IS.... and it has little to do with the sex aspect of it, but more the closeness and the connection... if you stay with your wife after you get busted for having an "affair" then it was not love for the other one.
(or maybe the other one just really didn't want them??)
if it was love... you would proudly let them know it was and take the consequesnces from your actions.... and maybe lose both... but be true to your heart...
men while we are supposed to be tough and all... do still love to be loved......

- Response by trnty666, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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We should be asking why do the wives let them stay after the affair? Or should I say affiars. ALL of the married men I know that cheat have one affair after the other. Staying doesn't make them change. They may slow down for a while, but then it starts again.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Uhhh maybe because if he gets a divorce he will lose half of everything and have to pay her alimony for pretty much his entire life. Meanwhile he lives in squalor because the woman refuses to get a job or get a job for which the woman can support herself. And yet women wonder why men are so reluctant to get married. "I'm gonna love you forever my dear...ahem I mean my wallet will love you forever."

- Response by 7zebras, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, New York, Financial / Banking

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You know..this is a really good question!! I mean, if you care so little to go out and screw someone else and lie to your wife--why would you want to STAY with her?/ Wouldn't it be an easy way out? Or maybe they want to have their cake and eat it too. It makes me sick. My boyfriend cheated on me, and it killed me. I was so good to him. It is more about the fact that he lied than the fact he was with someone else.

- Response by myndseye711, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Bilbao, Celebrity

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I can tell you the answer I got from a married man who is having an affair as I type this (not with me he is a friend) He stays with the wife for a few reasons he cannot afford to pay for everything house car child support etc. his child and he is fullfilling an obligation.

- Response by An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Men cheat for to enjoy physical intimacy and very rarely for emotional reasons. The #1 reason for men to cheat is when they are not getting enough intimacy or it is not to their liking.

The second reason that men cheat is when they do not get what they want. For instance, when their wife refused to give what they wanted. Or they justified their trips to adult clubs by complaining that their wife is ugly, has put on weight, and is not attractive anymore.

Finally, some men are just not monogamous. They like to try new things no matter what.

- Response by tenaj, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Philadelphia, Teaching

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Sometimes "my wife has found out" is just an excuse to stop the affair. Keep in mind that most men do actually leave their wives for the other woman if the alternative is much better. There are indeed bad marriages and unhappy men out there, even those who are acting as if they have perfect marriages on this site.

- Response by losungha, A Career Man, Male, 46-55, Boston, Technical

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Because, usually they were not really unhappy... they just tell the "other woman" that so they can get in her pants...Problem is that too many women prefer to believe these guys instead of looking at the truth

- Response by wifemomlover, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Construction

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Men have affairs usually for the sex, plain and simple. They want the excitement of sex with a new partner and there are plenty of women out there who will not care that they are married. They usually dont care about their sex partner and are actually happy in their marriage as a whole and so would usually not choose to leave their spouse for the new woman.

Women on the other hand have affairs for emotional reasons ( needs not being met) and so are more likely to leave their spouse as they are emotionally attached to the new person and not in it just for the sex.

These are certainly not applicable to all situations , but are generally true.

- Response by jersey722, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55

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BECAUSE THEY GOT OUT, SAMPLED THE WARES AND REALIZED THAT THE NEW MODEL IS REALLY NO BETTER THAN THE ONE AT HOME. AND MAYBE THE ONE AT HOME TRYS TO FIX WHAT WAS WRONG. AND THERE IS HISTORY AND THEN OF COURSE THERE IS MONEY AND KIS AND PROBABLY A FEW BAZILLION OTHER REASONS

- Response by dooter, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65

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I am a married woman and have been having an affair with a married guy for 5 years and believe me I am crazy about him! We talk on the phone nearly every weekday and get together for intimacy (attention and sex)every month or so. Although we are very close, it is not in the best emotional or financial interest of our children to break up our marriages. What has made the affair work is the complete lack of interest our spouses have in us. At first it seemed the affair was possible because we were taking advantage of trust with our spouses but over time we realize they are pretty self absorbed and they created the vacuume for our affair. Besides some emotional turmoil in the first year or two, now it seems what we give to each other had been missing in the marriages and still is. I'm glad I have my bf, our relationship makes me a happier person!

- Response by pistachio08, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Washington, DC, Celebrity

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Hi I am not in a physical affair but i think i am in an emotional one! I lost my husband to cancer 1 year ago and the family friend who we have known for 12 years and has been as close to us like family has been a pillar of strength comfort and practical helps from the get go!
i dont know where it changed but it did! He is married and his wife and I have been close friends for 12 years as well.
I personally don't know what to do ! i don't know how to untangle myself. To let go feels like to loose someone all over again! To grieve again!
We dont have anything physically we just talk have lunches spend an enormous amount of time together he rings me always, we plan outings together ... but it has become all a secret now we dont tell anyone. It never used to be this way.
I have fallen in love with him and i think he is very dependant on me!
But we dont discuss anything about what we are feeling!
He just tells me when quizzed and hassled about things from his wife he says " Im not having a affair whats the matter with you shes our friend for 12 years whos lost her husband"
We both reiterate those words to each other " We are not having an affair" "were just friends you are my best friend"
but i know differently and I know that he does to!

- Response by A Creative, Female, 46-55

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