A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, Boston, Who Cares?, Body Work) answered:

Sex – no interest

Sexual appetite (libido) tends to wax and wane – there are periods in our lives when we have little desire for sex, and other periods when sex assumes an overriding importance. Most of the time we are somewhere in between. So losing interest in sex is probably a temporary phase, and not a disaster. In fact it is only a problem if it means there is an imbalance between our desires and those of our partner, if it makes our partner feel unloved and frustrated, or if we ourselves feel unhappy because of it. It is also important to remember that most people are having much less sex than everyone else thinks, as has been shown by many surveys. All the same, there may be a reason for lack of sexual desire that can be remedied.

Reasons in both men and women
Depression is one of the most common reasons. Surveys show that about 2 out of 3 people with depression lose interest in sex, as a result of imbalances in brain biochemistry. So it is not something that you should blame yourself for.

Medications, such as antidepressants, tranquillizers and beta-blockers, can damp down sex drive.

Sexual appetite (libido) tends to wax and wane – there are periods in our lives when we have little desire for sex, and other periods when sex assumes an overriding importance. Most of the time we are somewhere in between. So losing interest in sex is probably a temporary phase, and not a disaster. In fact it is only a problem if it means there is an imbalance between our desires and those of our partner, if it makes our partner feel unloved and frustrated, or if we ourselves feel unhappy because of it. It is also important to remember that most people are having much less sex than everyone else thinks, as has been shown by many surveys. All the same, there may be a reason for lack of sexual desire that can be remedied.

Reasons in both men and women
Depression is one of the most common reasons. Surveys show that about 2 out of 3 people with depression lose interest in sex, as a result of imbalances in brain biochemistry. So it is not something that you should blame yourself for.

Medications, such as antidepressants, tranquillizers and beta-blockers, can damp down sex drive.

Sexual side effects of various antidepressant drugs

Women

* Loss of desire
* Vaginal dryness (so intercourse is uncomfortable)
* Difficulty having an orgasm

Men

* Loss of desire
* Erection problems
* Delayed ejaculation

Stress and physical illnesses take their toll on every aspect of life, including sexuality. It is difficult to be enthusiastic about sex if you are worried, tired, in pain or generally under par.

Relationship problems of any kind can depress libido (although some couples find their sex life improves when other aspects of their relationship are rocky).

Something in the past can affect the present, such as memories of sexual abuse, or a demoralizing sexual relationship.

Reasons in women
Infection and contraception. Worries about infection or a contraceptive method you are not comfortable with can trigger a loss of interest in sex. For example, you may have noticed some vaginal discharge or something about your partner’s genitals, and are worrying that you or your partner could have a sexually transmitted disease. Some contraceptive pills, particularly those with a high progesterone content, can reduce sexual desire.

A new baby is very demanding of time and energy, hormone balances are changing and there may be soreness from stitches. So it is not surprising that 50% of women do not have much interest in sex for many months after childbirth (although 1 in 5 women feels more sexual than before). The American sexologists Masters and Johnson found that 47% of women had little desire for sex for at least 3 months after having a baby. Another survey asked women about their sex life 30 weeks after having a baby: only 25% were as sexually active as before; most said their sexual desire was much reduced; and 22% had almost stopped having any sex at all.

Breastfeeding causes temporary vaginal dryness and discomfort (because of the high levels of the breastfeeding hormone, prolactin), making sex seem even less attractive.

Painful intercourse is obviously a turn-off (look at painful sex). This can happen because the vagina is dry (look at sex and ageing) or for various other reasons. In some women, the pelvic and nearby muscles clamp up so strongly when intercourse is attempted that it is uncomfortable, painful or even downright impossible; this is called vaginismus.

Reasons in men
Pressure to perform well in bed seems to be increasing – fuelled by media images of the ever-potent, ever-ready male. A man is expected always to be able to perform sexually. At the same time, modern society expects him to deal with increasing stresses in the workplace, to do his share of household tasks, to be an intellectual companion and emotional support to his partner, and to be a perfect father. It is no wonder that he finds he cannot perform sexually. Over the past decade, the number of couples coming to Relate (the relationship counselling organization) with difficulties blamed on lack of sexual desire in the male partner has doubled.

Heavy drinking is a common cause of loss of interest in sex (and problems with erections). This is because alcohol eventually reduces the production of testosterone by the testes, interferes with processing of testosterone (male hormone) by the cells of the body, and affects the parts of the brain that control hormone balance.

A low testosterone level is seldom the reason for a loss of sex drive, but your doctor can check this quite easily.

Questions to ask yourself
Is this really a problem, are my expectations unrealistic, what do I really want, is it affecting my relationship? You and your partner may feel the situation is quite acceptable. On the other hand, it may be affecting your self-esteem and your relationship.

Am I depressed? Feelings of sadness, hopelessness and helplessness, with lack of energy and disturbed sleep, and an inability to find anything enjoyable are symptoms of depression. Modern antidepressants are very effective at treating depression, and are not addictive. As your depression gradually lifts, your sex life will improve. If this does not happen, it may be that the tablets are curing the depression, but their side effect is making the sex problem worse. Do not stop taking the medication; mention the problem to your doctor, who will be able to change the dose or use a different antidepressant.

Am I drinking too much? If so, try to cut down.

Have I started taking any new medications?A drug is unlikely to be the cause if you had already gone off sex before starting it, but otherwise it is worth checking with your doctor to see if any medication could be responsible.

Is there any other physical reason? If you are tired or physically unwell, it is quite reasonable to wish to put your sex life on hold for a while.

Is there any specific aspect of our sex life that is putting me off? A relatively simple problem, such as the type of contraception or pain during sex (look at painful sex), can be dealt with by a visit to your doctor or family planning clinic. However, there may be a problem that is easy to identify, but less easy to deal with. This could be anything – your partner’s standards of cleanliness, the type of sexual activities your partner wants, lack of privacy, a suspicion that your partner has a sexually transmitted disease, or a triggering of unpleasant memories of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, this type of problem does not usually go away on its own, but a counsellor (see useful contacts) will be able to help you find the best way of dealing with it.

Is my loss of interest in sex really because I am unhappy about other aspects of the relationship?If so, tackle these issues, perhaps with the help of a counsellor.

o Painful sex
o Vagina too tight
o Sex and ageing
o Sex during periods

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A Creative (Male, Seattle, 56-65, Who Cares?) answered:

Usually, the spouse who has lost all interest in sex has lost all degree of intimacy and communication with the other spouse. Without the emotional and spiritual closeness, the sex has no attraction and in fact becomes repulsive. You can only fix the relationship of exit, to find another. There is no magic pill or sex counseling to deal with the single issue. The issue is global.

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A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, Boston, 46-55, Other Profession) answered:

diminished drive I should think might happen, but "sexless" to a point of NOTHING, I'd be concerned something has to be done...

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An Intellectual Guy (Male, Houston, 36-45, Veterinary) answered:

The marriage is Doomed....... unless its both of them or you're old enough to not have much libido left.

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A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, 36-45, Who Cares?) answered:

Obviously a case of burnout. Americans are too obsessed with sex.

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A Thinker (Female, Who Cares?, Other Profession) answered:

Hmm, if the other spouse gains 350 lbs. could be a bit of an issue.

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A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, 46-55) answered:

Unfortunately i think it is terrible and both parties are at fault. but if one person is not pleasing the other then the one should say they want more. if the other person doesn't want to give more then they should wander and the 1st person should not be upset because they didn't want to be a partner.

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A Married Girl (Female, Los Angeles, 36-45, Home Maker) answered:

When this happened pretty early on in our marriage, I was devastated. Having come from a bad marriage that had a very active sex life, I was unable to understand the idea that my husband could truly love me yet not want or need me sexually.
I went from feeling personally rejected to being certain he was cheating, and came to rest on the idea that he was angry with me and using sex as a weapon. Looking back now, I think it was more a combination of stress and guilt. Which I won't get into because it has nothing to do with your question.

My opinion, which I try to live by, is that sex should be on the table whenever one of you wants it. It is preferable that you both are inclined, and more often than not if one partner hints that they are not really into it, the other backs off. But ultimately, if your spouse wants to have sex, I see it as your duty (both male and female) to put out. Now, I admit this goes back to my church teachings that in marriage "your body is not your own, but your spouses", but it makes sense to me. It is part of the agreement you make when you say your vows. To me, your commitment to one another is what stands you side by side through life; sex is the glue that binds you. At least while you both so determine.

We can't say, I just don't feel like working anymore, so I am not going to bring home food anymore.
It is agreed that you will work to meet each other's needs.

I agree that if someone suddenly drops off the sex sexual desire scale there is a problem. They may be a total rat and be screwing around town, but more often than not it is part of the ups and downs of life with many possible causes. (If you have an hour, read Rafiki's post :)). But unless someone is cheating, (in which case f-em; your relationship is disposable), the partner with the waining sex drive owes it to the other to make a strong effort to fulfill the other's needs. And the other spouse has a duty to help determine the cause for the change, and be HELPFUL in finding a solution.

Just like any other issue in marriage!

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A Hippie Chick (Female, 46-55, Hospitality) answered:

My opinion? When MY spouse announced the decision (out of NOWHERE) that he had decided he was no longer going to have sex with me, I began making my plans to leave him. *I* did not get married to be celibate. He's welcome to make that choice, but it's going to be without me.

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