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Do women stay in abusive relat ...
untitled / Married Life / 3:23 AM - Wednesday August 06, 2008
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A Life of the Party (Female, 29-35, Other Profession) asked:


Do women stay in abusive relationships because of the fear being alone?why?


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A Creative (Female, New York, 36-45) answered:

Screenname: swemur1


being in an abusive relationship is like being a prisioner of war and being afraid to escape and have even worse punishment and tourure inflicted on you.if captured.Many are brainwashed,belittled to have no self worth afaid for the kids no way to support themselves or kids if they leave,many reasons .alone not being one of the common ones..many do think they still love their abusers afters years of trama DV victims have a terrible burden of shame and pain .which they shouldn't have to because some loser feels manly and beats them like a bag of rags.

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A Thinker (Female, 36-45, Consulting) answered:

Screenname: randyl


For that reason AND not knowing any other way. They might have been raised with a father that was that way. Chances are they have never been treated right or demanded to be treated right by anyone. So, they don't know what that looks or feels like.

The main reason is: Low self-esteem. They think they do not deserve better and do not have the nerve to damand better.

It is a script that desperately needs to be re-written. They need to make the decision that it is not acceptable any longer and that they will not longer tolerate it. They do not deserve that treatment, but until they stand up and demand differently, they get what they ask for: Another person (man) who has self-esteem issues mistreating them to make themselves feel more important than they really are. Putting other people DOWN automatically elevates another person to a higher level. And, the powerful feeling can be intoxicating to the abuser. It is also SICK.

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A Hippie Chick (Female, Boston, 26-28, Artist / Musician / Writer) answered:

Screenname: treehumper


I think it's because they have low self-esteem and being with someone like that gives them a sense of security. Either that or they just like being treated like shit.

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A Thinker (Female, 29-35, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: chichek


Some women are financially dependent, some of them insecure, some of them worry about others' judgement (usually in 3rd World countries), some stay in abusive marriage for the sake of kids. Go figure...

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A Creative (Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer) answered:

Screenname: uniquelyme2


Sometimes, yes. But that's not the only reason. It's way more complex than that. Abuse is often a cycle, and the only existence a woman knows. Other times, she's known only the oppposite, but the abuse is so gradual that she doesn't see it coming. And when it comes, she's in denial, because she never thought such a thing could happen to a stable, intelligent woman like her...and the guy everybody, including her...thought was at least equally stable, intelligent and incapable of abuse.
Abusers can be very Jekyll & Hyde-like and blindside you. There are usually at least some warning signs, but if a woman isn't aware of them, ther are not easy to spot.


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A Father Figure (Male, Houston, 56-65) answered:

Screenname: lifestyle


Yes and they don't know how to get, because they think they can't make it on their own.

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An Intellectual Guy (Male, Chicago, 46-55, Transportation) answered:

Screenname: undercoverguy


I believe that they stay in abusive relationships because they are STUPID... I speak for myself... BUT if somebody beat me on a regular basis and then wanted me to have sex with them I would want to get away from them... Thaes women seem to be too STUPID to escape.... Just MY opinion, That's All...

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An Intellectual Guy (Male, 46-55, Lawyer) answered:

Screenname: tiddler


Its hard to understand that some women prefer a black eye or a broken rib to a broken heart but why these type of men inspire love I,ll never know.

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A Career Woman (Female, 29-35, Fitness) answered:

Screenname: marycherry


There's an explanation for this in psychology books.
Usually, victims stay in this kind of relationships because they feel 'helplessness', derived from their depression.

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A Creative (Female, Charlotte, 26-28, Self-Employed) answered:


Women stay in abusive relationships because they are in love with the abuser, and some of them are addicted to the love or the idea of a couple. Also, some women have self-esteem issues, and may have grown accustomed to abuse even in childhood. Some women have seeen the good side of their man, and are just hoping the good side will triumph, but unfortunately the bad side is so bad, and does more damage.

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A Cool Mom (Female, Philadelphia, 36-45, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: loveangel


I did for over 20 years,never, ever thought I could make it on my own without him. Guess what 3 years later I'm doing so much better. Bills are paid on time with 0 balance and I have a car plus I work 2 jobs and I go to school.I love ME now and my life!! And my kids are proud of me!!!

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A Trendsetter (Female, 29-35) answered:

Screenname: pinknblu


allot of women stay, because their mentallY abused as well, their self-esteem suffers.

i really don't contribute it to not wantinG to be alone, because when your abused you feel alone.
:/

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A Hippie Chick (Female, Who Cares?, Self-Employed) answered:

Screenname: jezmebaby


Because they think it will get better.Because they still see a tiny shred of who they fell in love with, whether it really is there or not.

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A Married Girl (Female, 36-45, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: 1wonderfullife


Absolutely, fear. Fear of her abuser. Fear for her life. Fear for her children. Fear of being alone. Fear she is alone (without support). Fear of leaving. Fear of the unknown. Fear she's leaving one situation for another. Fear she will lose her children. Fear of what other's might think. The list can go on and on....

Fear is a powerful thing. When fear of staying over-rides fear of leaving that is when someone frees themselves from an abusive relationship. Friends and family can plead, but that person is the only one who knows when that time happens.

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A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, 46-55, Technical) answered:

Screenname: nyrich


Never understood abusive relationships ... whether they be physical or mental ... life is too short to put up with that shit ...and no one has that right to abuse another ..

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An Intellectual Guy (Male, Antwerp, 26-28, Transportation) answered:

Screenname: maarten


Too many women still believe they can change a man, that's why.

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A Father Figure (Male, 56-65, Executive) answered:

Screenname: healer


It is not only the fear of being alone. The human psyche is more complicated than we would like but complicated it is. Fear of no money, fear that they will not be able to get another partner, abusive father syndrome carried into adulthood, lack of self esteeem for the foregoing and so man other reasons.

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A Thinker (Female, Chicago, 46-55) answered:

Screenname: phenomenal1woman


i think women who stay in abusive relationships often don't think the relationship is abusive. if all u know is abuse then it becomes normal to u and a healthy relationship is strange and forgein.
but i do think that there r women who need a man or a relationship healthy or not to define their worth.so yes in some ways i do think that people will stay in relationships that r not healthy in a fear of being alone.

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A Guy Critical (Male, 56-65, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: wiserman


I suppose that could be one reason, but certainly not the only reason or even the primary one. My belief is that people stay in abusive relationships because they identify and sympathize with the abuser, very much as hostages bond with their captors in what is known as "The Stockholm Syndrome". This psychological mechanism was well known before the event that gave it it's name and has been seen in abused and battered children and spouses, POW's, and even in Cult members.

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A Guy Critical (Male, Portland, 36-45, Technical) answered:

Screenname: bailarenfuego


It has been my observation that many women in abusive relationships are abusive themselves and when they go they recreate a bad situation in their next relationship.

I do know one woman who is sweet who's dream guy would be a man that bosses her around and is disrespectful. She grew up in an ultra religious environment that programmed women to be servants and I think that plays into why she is like she is. Whatever the reason is, she is no victim - She makes her own choices.

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A Creative (Female, 29-35, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: asmilewithin


Their loss of control over the situation, helplessness, and fear of the abuser are some of the reasons that I am aware of. I have been in a couple of abusive relationships, with some men that you would not expect that kind of behavior from. With out getting into all the details. My experience was a fear of them and what they would do if I was ever to leave. I don't like to drag others into my problems and try to deal with them myself. That being said I had to work hard at finding the strength within to leave and to ask for help from others - a great support system can help. Once that was done it made it much easier to leave, I will add that there were also good times and that leads me to the old tales that a women can change a man. Sometimes you want to believe that you can change a man back to that person he was during the "honeymoon" period. Always be careful, sometimes what is to good to be true - is. No-one is perfect and you should see some flaws or should I say quirks. And if you see them it is more than likely that you are seeing the true him, but there is always more than what meets the eye. So always trust your inner self. Love when it says it is ok to love and be cautious when you feel that knot inside. But do not hide from the experiences that life has put before you. They make you who you. Try and learn from them and leave before it escalates, if he abuses you once it will only continue. No matter how sorry he seams to be. It is all about the control.

I believe that no one should have to experience this trauma, but that would be in a perfect world. So my best suggestion is to find the strength within, we all have it - especially women. We have a strength that nothing can compare to. And I share mine with you and all who need it.

Beauty and strength lies within.

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A Married Girl (Female, 26-28, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: damon27


No,they stay because they feel the person love them so they stay to work it out.

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A Guy Critical (Male, Los Angeles, 29-35) answered:

Screenname: neanderthal


thats one of the reasons. they fear they cant get anyone else.

but its a many pronged question with many answers.

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A Sweet Sarah (Female, Who Cares?, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: ladywisteria


Most likely that may be part of the reason, they may also be in fear of their own lives and the lives of their loved ones. I know, I was an abused wife :(

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A Creative (Female, 36-45, Student) answered:

Screenname: fastball


I think that part of the reason they stay is because they don't want to be alone, but I think the bigger reason is because they are deathly afraid that their spouse will really harm them or even take their life if they were to leave...I know that when I was in an abusive relationship, I was worried for not only myself, but the people around me because he would constantly 'threaten' to hurt one or all of us in one way or another...the reason I stayed with him was because I didn't want him hurting the people I loved and I was afraid if I left, I may never live...:)

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A Creative (Female, 66 or older, Retired) answered:

Screenname: bedofroses


Women stay in abusive relationships out of fear, but not of being alone. It is fear of what he might do if she tries to leave. Abusive guys are masters of manipulation. They use threats, guilt trips, and mind games. Escape is difficult because he isolates her and she thinks she has no where to turn and no one to help. It takes superhuman courage to get out.

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A Creative (Male, New York, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer) answered:

Screenname: romanticlover007


B/C they're f**kin' CRAZY!!!!!

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A Thinker (Female, 26-28, Managerial) answered:

Screenname: tracybut


i was in a abusive relationship, but i was too weak to leave him becaus ei was blindly in love and only remember the good size of him.

after all, i lost the trust and hate him to make me to lsoe the trust to others. but then, i should blame myself that why i was too stupid not to see it. anyway, after all, i ned to pay attention to myself about my feelings not with him, because i still survive well without him.

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An Intellectual Guy (Male, 46-55, Farming) answered:

Screenname: podagoo


Well ya! but I think it"s more about THE$ now you being 29-35 you sweet are young and no reason to put up with anything, just remember it's all about love.

Sal LOL

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A Married Girl (Female, Miami, 29-35, Home Maker) answered:

Screenname: anonymouse32


google the "stockholm syndrome"

:o)

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A Thinker (Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: cougar01


Some women have no where else to go, and feel they have no one to turn to!

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A Hip-Hop Guy (Male, Detroit, 22-25, Student) answered:

Screenname: king313


My best guess is they've become dependent on the abuser..... financially, socially, etc. So much of whatever self-worth they have left is tied up into this person beating them. SAD, indeed.

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A Thinker (Female, Cleveland, 29-35, Student) answered:

Screenname: seductivepisces9


I think she's afraid of being alone, she is swept away by the "bad boy" aspect of it, she thinks that she can change it, or that she listens to his empty promises.

Any way she needs to get her reality check cashed.

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A Sweet Sarah (Female, 22-25, Medical / Dental) answered:

Screenname: purdylilangel


Been there done that I feel soooo much better now but it took me so long to finally see the real him and I still questions everyday "what was so great about him that made me stay!!!!" I look back and think WTF was I thinking and feel stupid but now at least Im better now.

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A Thinker (Female, St.Louis, 29-35, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: michellekia


..not always..I was in abusive relationships because I didn't know any different. I grew up w/a father who yelled at me, ignored me, and put me down all the time. This was normal to me. I've learned alot..thank goodness.

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An Engaged Girl (Female, 46-55, Teaching) answered:

Screenname: pandorasfault


This is not universally the case. Rather than fear of being alone, for some it's a fear of failure -- to 'give up' on the relationship means to 'fail' at it. The emotional aspects of abuse can convince the abused that they *need* the abuser -- they would never be able to take care of themselves, they would be poor, etc., etc. It's an emotional trap, but being alone, in and of itself is not the alternative the abused dread.

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A Married Girl (Female, Los Angeles, 26-28, Administrative) answered:


I can't speak for anyone, but myself.
For me, i've been married for 2 yrs and lived happily until 2 months ago when my husband family moved in and everyday i've getting sad. ANyhow, we just recently started talking after a week of fighting. He didn't hit me or anything, just mental and emontional abuse. I was so drained that i wanted to give up everything. WE talked and i stayed because i want my marriage to work. WE found out that we were lacking of communications.
Not sure if this helps.

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A Creative (Female, New York, 26-28, Administrative) answered:


I wasn't afraid of being alone. I was afraid that he would kill me.

I walked on eggshells with that man trying so hard not to upset him. Me leaving him was a dream and I even wished that he would suddenly die so I could be free, but finally I did leave and it had it's consequences. He would come by constantly to see me and thank god I went back home to live with my family or else who knows what he could have tried to do.

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A Sweet Sarah (Female, 26-28, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: jeansy


Most women who stay in abusive relationships do so not because they're afraid of being alone, but because they have had their self worth trashed by their s/o. The abuser will always talk down to the abusee and eventually the abusee will start to believe the abuser and think that no one will want them or that their too fat or ugly for anyone else to want. Sometimes they stay out of fear that the abuser will harm their family or friends.

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A Thinker (Female, Baltimore, 46-55, Administrative) answered:

Screenname: jpm51


Yes, many do stay because of that. Some have no self-esteem or very little. Some may be not that pretty, very much overweight and whatever man they do get, they stay with him because they don't think that they can get anyone else without being alone for a long time. So they stay regardless of the abuse that they get from him and its so sad.

Some are so 'brainwashed' by the man too by him telling them that they won't be able to find anyone else and they believe it.

Mental/emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and many women endure that kind of abuse because no one can see physical signs on their body so they feel that their secret of being abused is safe. Some really don't know how to get out. Some don't have the funds because they relied on the man and his money for sole support.

Some have a child or children either by the man or when they got into the relationship and they feel that it would just be too much trouble trying to uproot the kids and run, especially if the kid(s) were fond of the man who was their father or a man that they call their father.

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A Creative (Female, Dallas, 22-25, Self-Employed) answered:

Screenname: pinkypixiesprkl


I stay in an abusive relationship cuz i didnt love my self i had low self esteem and i thought thats all there was..i had a strong support stytem but i was the one that didnt wanna move on..now looking back i think of all the pain that i went through when i could have been doing so many other things..i wasnt in a emotionally abusive relationship..after that i learned to depent on myself and am responsible for my feelings and if the person am with can deal then its good bye goodbye..hope it helps..xoxoxo

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A Thinker (Female, 18-21, Student) answered:

Screenname: imhere


Ive never been in one but I think they stay because of the fear of letting go would cause more problems...they believe the guy will come after them or because they know financially they can not survive without him...and sometimes a man can degrade a woman to the point where he makes her feel that no one else will love her and that goes back to the fear of being lonely...I was in a verbal abuse relationship and the guy would tell me that no one else would ever love me...at times I believed it...so imagine the power of physical abuse...

And another reason could be total shock because women find it hard to believe a guy they loved so much would physically hurt them...so they think things will change and he will go back to being the sweet guy but it never does because he has the power now...

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A Life of the Party (Male, Who Cares?, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: catman5169


I wish I had the answer to this; my ex left me and got into a very abusive relationship, which eventually killed her. When we divorced, we parted friends, and remained friends till her dying day. I still miss her; we were planning on getting back together.

Actually, I think there are women who have to be in that type of relationship. Apparently, they have very low self-esteem and feel that someone who treats them good deserve a better person. NOT TRUE. Hope this helped.

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A Hippie Chick (Female, 18-21) answered:

Screenname: anomaly1abnormal


No infact often they don't even realise they are being abused. most of them end up staying because they are afraid if they leave or try to their abuser will kill them.

~ANOMALY

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