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What to do?
what to do? / Family & Parenting / 11:09 AM - Thursday August 07, 2008
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A Creative (Female, Boston, 22-25, Teaching) asked:


I need help. I love my parents and I know that they love me but their so protective and controlling that they don't allow me to make my own decisions. Or I should say make my own decisions without being nagged and given a guilt trip when i make the decision they don't like.
Its gotten to the point to where its ruining good relationships I have with men. I find a great guy and then I can't go out with him because my mom thinks I can't handle driving the hour drive by myself in her car. So he comes back saying that were adults and he doesn't want to date someone who has to get her parents permission for everything she does. For the 3rd time now i've lost out on another great guy who has his stuff together because I have 2 parents who don't know how to lay off.
I can't make any decisions without my parents telling me exactly what they think and exactly what I should do or shouldn't do. Everything I do, everything I say, everyone I hang out with is questioned and I cant stand it anymore!!! I try telling them to back off a bit but they accuse me of being ungrateful or immature.

Update: August 07, 2008.
I have never done anything to make my parents think I can't handle living on my own: I lived in London last year when I did a summer long internship, I have never gotten so drunk that I pass out, I have never smoked or done any drugs. I was an honors student in high school and college. Aside from 1 instance where I drove a friend home and on the way back got lost at midnight, I haven't done a single thing to make them think i'm irresponsible. I help with the house, I clean, my mom has my pin number to my bank account so sometimes she goes in without asking to take money for groceries/mortgage. I'm trying to save money for a car/apartment but its tough when she does this.


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A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, Boston, 29-35, Financial / Banking) answered:

Screenname: newnumbersguy32


So move out. Get a roomate if you can't afford it on your own.

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A Hip-Hop Girl (Female, 36-45, Administrative) answered:

Screenname: cocoacurevelous


I know how you feel as my mother is like that. As a result I do not share anything about my life with her so I don't get the unwanted advice and/or 3 hour lectures...Purchasing your own car or renting a car when you want to go on any journey away from home is one way of curtailing the nagging. Another is moving out and finding an apartment even if you have to get a roommate...Oh the stories I can tell you about my controlling overbearing mother...

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A Thinker (Female, Washington, DC, 22-25, Financial / Banking) answered:


If you are living w/ them, move out... if you are using their car, buy your own car. Sometimes, when you allow your parents to help out, or you rely on them too much when you are old enough to be independant, they feel this gives them to automatic right to how we live our life. So, basically, you need to become less dependant on them, so that they realize you are an independant woman and do not their help or input on making the right decision for yourself.

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A Creative (Female, New York, 36-45) answered:

Screenname: swemur1


Grow up act like an adult get a backbone and live youyr life .Your parents are not helping you mature or be a healthy aadult if you live at home move out asap you'll never be happy unless you do,

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A Married Girl (Female, Dallas, Who Cares?, Who Cares?) answered:


You're old enough to be out on your own. Better yet, move far away from them so they can't interfer with your life.

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A Sweet Sarah (Female, 26-28, Administrative) answered:

Screenname: jessiesgirl491


The parents

Try to understand their point of view. They are worried that something might happen to you and they are also afraid that you might make a mistake. No matter how old you may be, your parents will always see you as a child. Now I disagree with the fact that they are not allowing you to grow on your own. We all need to make mistakes to learn in life. I strongly recommend to have a conversation with your parents and explain to them how you feel. Demostrate them that you are capable of making right choices and if by any chance you make a mistake, you want them to be there for you and guide you. Just let them know to give you a chance to be free and become an adult.

The guys

A guy who really cares for you will understand your situation and stick around. Believe me there are some out there still...if the guy cannot stick around through the rough times, they are not worth it at all. See it like this: They did you a favor by leaving, you dont need someone who will bail on you for not being able to do as she wishes.

Best of luck chica!

Sincerely,

Jessiesgirl491

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An Intellectual Guy (Male, Tampa, 56-65, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: lionhearted32219


I take it that you live at home and have to use the family car for transportation.
I know what you are talking about and I have experienced this kind of thing from my own Mother. She was always having a say in what I did and should do and I had to get far away from her to have any kind of life on my own.
When my step father passed, she asked me why didn;t I want to live close by her. This is the reason. I was her biggest boy and she would forever and a day be in my business or want me to come over.
You are going to need, in my opinion, find your own apartment (if you have to get a room mate) to exhibit your independence.
Maybe you could get some other family members to talk to them, bu sounds they are set in their ways.

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An Intellectual Guy (Male, San Francisco, 56-65) answered:

Screenname: chesterdad


I'm over fifty, and I still get this crap.
They never stop being your parents!

I simply make a point to distance myself as much as possible from them. You can use the word "divorce", if you like.

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A Married Girl (Female, Los Angeles, 36-45, Home Maker) answered:

Screenname: bbmcgee1


You know how to fix this-move out.
Your parents do sound a little over involved with your decision making, but you also sound very dependent. Do you have a history of poor choices that have left them bailing you out of trouble? I am not accusing; I am just trying to figure out why they would both feel the need to govern everything you do. Maybe if you move out, you will gain a new appreciation for them, and they will gain a sense of trust that they did a good enough job as parents and that you can make good decisions and take care of yourself.

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An Intellectual Guy (Male, Houston, 36-45, Veterinary) answered:

Screenname: singledad281




I had a mom that was much the same. I got my own car and moved out. It was hard financially for a while with school and all but well worth it. I gained her respect for being able to keep it all together and not fall on my face as she was expecting.
That said, you will always be "the child" until the day your parents die and they will be giving you their criticisms until then.....





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A Thinker (Female, 66 or older, Retired) answered:

Screenname: scrapper1941


Hmmmm....let me see, you're in your twenties and my question is to you, assuming you're still living at home with your parents,....why are you still there and not out on your own? If you don't like them controlling you then you MOVE OUT!! The guy who told you he doesn't want to date someone who needs her parent's permission for everything should be a wakeup call for you! You're never going to have a lasting relationship with anyone until you change the situation you're in. Good luck! :)

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A Career Woman (Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental) answered:

Screenname: kypevans


I totally understand. My parents do the same thing with all of us and we are in our 50's. Now they are doing it to the grandkids as well. However, they are in their 80's and i know my time is limited with them and it tears my heart out. Every time i leave their house I hug them and tell them that I love them because it may be the last time I am able to tell them that.

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A Father Figure (Male, Norfolk, 46-55, Self-Employed) answered:

Screenname: fluff47


You never said how old you are but it does sound like you still live off your parents. From the outside looking in its not hard to understand why mom and Dad think you can't take care of yourself if your still making them take care of you. Funny how kids think they should be sooooooooo independent when they are still having Mom and Dad foot most of the bill.

The answer is pretty simple. If "YOU" are ready to take care of yourself then do it. If "YOU" don't think "YOU" can make it on your own,,,,, then don't blame Mom and Dad for thinking the same thing.

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A Thinker (Female, St.Louis, 36-45, Student) answered:

Screenname: missinformation


As long as you are living under their roof, I'm afraid you're going to have to put up with it. Its not ok that they treat you that way, but if you're really 22-25 years old and they still treat you like you're 16, they aren't going to change. You need your own place ASAP, and for god's sake, change your PIN number! You'll never save enough to move out if your mother keeps dipping into your funds! Good luck!

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