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A great catch at 45 and ready for a committed relationship,but off to poor start;lost 3 sofar.Help
Dating / 8:45 AM - Saturday July 04, 2009

A great catch at 45 and ready for a committed relationship,but off to poor start;lost 3 sofar.Help

Young looking 45 yr old, single mother of 14 yr old son, who's "ripe" and ready to commit to a long-term relationship. A great catch, eventhough a work in progress. Intelligent, hillarious, "sexy", passionate, affectionate, etc. Started off on the wrong foot, however, and managed to scare 3 or 4 away already. Help! Do I seem too desperate? My friend Jim says I might be intimidating? I refuse to compromise in certain areas. Help

Update: July 04, 2009.
Hmmm? Interesting... And, where are all these men? Who want a woman like me....?

Update: July 04, 2009.
All of us...Who is in your corner..Obviousely you haven't read the many favorable, more pleasant replies, I've received, just in the last 30 minutes...Turns out you're in a bigger, somewhat discriminatory, minority than you realize. But that's fairly common. To find the finger pointer, who makes ignorant statements, all alone..

Update: July 04, 2009.
Well, lets see. If I was I probably wouldn't want to tell you..for fear I'd have to read more narrow minded, less than intelligent, judgements statements, like those you're prone to making.... But I am curious as to how you are making your "Assessment"...Are you using a form of clinical, diagnostic format I'm unaware of?.. And then, I can't help but ask...Why, are you????

Update: July 04, 2009.
Someone else you've tried to slam, disrespect and expressed a "narrow minded attitude" towards, no doubt... A piece of work...as my dad would say..."how did that jab feel?" about as good as yours do I bet? Life is too short and everyone will oneday face their judge..You are not it, I'm afraid.

Update: July 04, 2009.
Oh that's an intelligent response...basta'..no mas. I won't even have to get my son over here to translate that..I hope you don't go around "poo pooing" too many people, because it's probably one of the more degrading, disrespectful things you can do to another person..Like kicking dirt under your show..."You're not worth my time", so to speak..Talk about limiting your prospects and "guarenteeing" a limited amount of relationship prospects....I think I'll have a few more to choose from....Wanna bet?

Update: July 04, 2009.
Two engagements, no marriage...Had insight back then too, I guess..Couldn't stand, even the though of going through divorce. And thank you, sir, for the compliment....I guess I'm comfortable using terms like "ripe", "ready"..because I am comfortable in my own skin and have worked hard to get that way. My first priority is to set a good example form son. I want him to grow to respect women, treat them accordingly, know how to respond to them (and all their, sometimes difficult, attitudes) and lead, where they can follow...thanks again.."my kinds man"

Update: July 04, 2009.
I'm sorry if I conveyed that idea..but I'm with you...I have healthy, very rational ideals when it comes to involving my son, etc. That's why I've been basically single, for the past 14 years....And don't get me wrong....when I say I scared off 3...One I met once for coffee, after phone calls and emails...(his divorce wasn't final..a little tidbit he forgot to mention), the other I saw twice, after many text message, emails, hour long phone conversations...then disappeared after a nice visit, a hug and a "see you later" good bye...(then an email after 2+ weeks saying he "didn't know how to handle the FEELINGS he was starting to feel) Red Flag, red flag and I'm gone...the third..developing a good friendship..mutual interest in addiction treatment/various modalities..sharing new material..etc...A little bit difference pic now? Thanks for reply

Update: July 04, 2009.
A person relating to me....Wow! Refreshing...incomparis on to the unintelligent, judgemental, uncouth comments I've been reading. Confidence intimidates and sparks the Jealousy and insecurity in others....It's sad...And I'm speaking from experience as a "former lasher". It would behoove these "lashers" to remember..."Words can be like knives..They can cut, pierce hearts and mortally wound" Just ask the many, many victims of domestic violence and abuse I've counseled in the past 20 years...Thanks again for the pleasant reply

Update: July 04, 2009.
Yes, yes. Finally some good insight and advise. Thank you. A far cry from the judgemental, narrow minded, down grading stuff I've read so far. Thanks again....

Update: July 04, 2009.
Oh, please offer more suggestions. Should I abandon all "adversive" morals and ethics, only speak when spoken to, offer little to know opinion, unless asked, tone down my end of the conversation, because, if I don't, they might catch wind of how much I know and be a yes, yes, yes woman, as opposed to No, that's not ok, or no thank you sir. And regarding high maintainence..I am the polar opposite. So far from materialistic, or being a "honey do this and honey do that" than 95% of the women you know. Confidently, speaking.

Update: July 04, 2009.
What is your definition of Scary in this context? I believe you're taking my "humor" far too seriousely...I didn't say how long, any one of these 3 were around...(there's not a whole heck of a lot of room to do so) One I met for coffee one time, after a few brief phone conversations and emails. Turned out his divorce wasn't final, yet, and so on. (no compromise) The second I met for coffee once, then he came to visit me at a friend's house, after spending the day of moving. Numerous text messages and a few hour long conversations, then a friendly good-bye hug, see you later and "I'll call you" to "I'm sorry about disappearing (2 weeks), but I started feeling feelings I didn't know how to deal with"...etc., etc. A few red flags and no compromise..Hello? The third..is still calling and we're forming a friendship. He like to pick my brain about conseling type stuff...My training in addiction treatment and recovery has sparked an interest and he's sharing some "updated" cognitive behaviorial stuff he's learned..Hello? (Too intimidating?)

Update: July 04, 2009.
OMG it's just a figure of speech. Basically, I'm trying to say I have "no baggage", no hang-ups (believe it or not), confident...not hung up on a bunch of insecurities, which may otherwise cause me to "pass judgement", make statements out the side of my neck...or try to make people feel less significant, to make myself feel better. I've done a lot of soul searching..I had to to do the type of work I do. I "help" people, for a living. Encourage them, support them, help them gain insight....etc. Taking things so literally can be dangerous, and something many might want to take heed to!

Update: July 04, 2009.
When I was young, naive, a little insecure and lacking in wisdom and experience...I compromised on "decisions", boundaries, ethics, some beliefs..more of a follow; a people pleasure..These are things I won't compromise on now. My standards are higher, because they have to be..and should be. I wouldn't "compromise" the safety of my son, my reputation, spiritual beliefs, or moral values...Any Clearer..I don't make an announcement..certainly ...from the get go. Certainly not. Words aren't always necessary. The way we carry ourselves, speak, respond, act/or reacte, etc.

Update: July 04, 2009.
Everyone is a work in progress..We never completely arrive..always changing, growing,transforming... HELLO....

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Portland, Self-Employed

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..perhaps you're a bit too........ah....intens e?

....just a guess.

- Response by nameacarl, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55

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Community Rating: Community Star

sounds great, but you live to far away from me, willing to shift location? ??? I feel the same way about myself....so I know where you are coming from!

- Response by loseing, A Guy Critical, Male, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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you probably began to involve your son too much, too soon...maybe i'm wrong... a date involves a man and a woman... if the woman i'm dating has a 14 yr old son and often asks if the son can join us on dates, i'm history... that step fatherly stuff takes a very long time to cultivate. it can't be forced upon us too soon...

- Response by kramer, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Celebrity

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you reveal a lot when you say "i refuse to compromise in certain areas." if you say that directly, imply that or otherwise come off like that, your success rate in the open market of "second-rounders" will be woefully low.

gender and other baggage issues aside, it's hard enough to make and keep relationships alive and prospering when rigidity and intimidation are at play.

- Response by two469, An Intellectual Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Consulting

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You do NOT state how long you have been single? Is it pretty recent? I have to agree with Jesus on this one! If you just came out of a long or hard marriage, I would take some time "FOR YOURSELF and for YOUR SON" because of a couple reasons. When my marriage ended(15 yrs.) I was devastated. I took 8-9 months off just grieving and trying to find myself, sort of a self-evaluation you might say. But I agree this time can be used WISELY to get in touch with yourself, but ALSO to spend QUALITY time with your son, before you know it he will be dating and doing his own thing. Believe me, you can NEVER get the time back to spend with your kids, once it's GONE!

- Response by woodyeyes, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Cincinnati

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I'd say look at what areas others seem to think you need to compromise on; then look at what areas you're willing to compromise on. The only problem is if you refuse to compromise on everything, then that alone would scare a man off, but I'm guessing that's not the case. Second, in the world of online dating personals, the word ripe is probably not the best way to advertise yourself. It's a little too close to the idea of fruit being ripe one day, then spoiled or rotten the next. You're a woman not a piece of fruit, you don't spoil. You're like a bottle of wine, you get better with age--not rotten :). Third, as mynds said, please continue conversations in private not on our main board. Good luck

- Response by lioness21, A Player, Female, 26-28, Consulting

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I'm also 45. I was married for 15 years. Since then I've had a couple of very good long term relationships. I have learned from experience, and also from what I have been told, that it's human nature to want what you can't have. When I read where you had written about "Numerous text messages and a few hour long conversations, then a friendly good-bye hug, see you later", I couldn't help but wonder if you're putting too much into things too quickly. I never call a man, unless I'm returning a call, or he is expecting me to call for some reason. When responding to a call or text, I don't reply right away unless it's something important that requires a prompt response. I'm not into playing games, but I do believe that when a man realizes that you have a life, and are happy with it, and you don't NEED him, he is much more likely to pursue you. Men like the thrill of the catch. Like a hunter. Don't spend hours at a time on the phone. Don't text several times a day. Spread that out over a little time, and go slower at getting to know each other. Let him win you over, and let him know that you are flattered. Just don't come on too strong. It works!

- Response by ctr63, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Financial / Banking

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If you really think you are a great catch then LIVE IT, BREATH IT! But DON'T SAY IT!

Trust me when I say I've 'been there', 'felt like you do' and THANK GOD I DON'T ANY MORE!

Now, you need to forget a bout dating any men for a while and date YOURSELF!

This is how: get yourself a copy of Christian Carter's 'Cath him and keep him' and/or Mimi Tanner's 'Hard to get' and read it as many times as you need to until you absorb the info - it will make a HUGE difference to your self-esteem and mind set. Which is a number one attractor factor - NOT your age, looks, whether you have children - none of those things matter.

I didn't read every singgle line of your updates but the fact that there were so many and mainly reactive ones tells me that you're hurting inside.

You need to heal first, build your self-confidence, fall in love with yourself all over again and really believe that you're a great catch.

Before you send me a knee-jerk reaction with some putdown or angry statement, STOP and THINK!

What is more important to you?
Save face and stay in denial?

Or rediscover a fabulous CONFIDENT You and start living the life you want and have great relationship with the man you deserve?

Think about it and good luck!

Ruby


- Response by rubyrednotdead, A Creative, Female, 26-28, London, Artist / Musician / Writer

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there is nothing wrong with knowing what you want but try not to scare away the pray. sometimes a softer approach is best. i think that you are trying a little too hard to convince others that you are ready making it seem like you are not as ready as you say. just give it time and he will pass in your sights.
~S

- Response by angel325, A Life of the Party, Female, 18-21, Who Cares?

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sounds like a great start to your online posting. i'd consider moving it to eharmony or match.com though. but i know of many guys that are looking for just this type of honesty in women.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Science / Engineering

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I would suggest that you listen to Jim, and stop refusing to compromise. What you describe is NOT a "great catch" from a man's perspective. You described "high maintenance," low benefit, and "trouble," from a man's view.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Seattle, Construction

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If it were me, I would put off dating for a few more years until my son was grown and doing his own thing. Teenagers can add a lot of trouble to a developing relationship and soon enough, you will have more time and freedom for fun and dating. IJS

- Response by snowbear08, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Pittsburgh, Who Cares?

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- Response by myndseye711, An Engaged Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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Ripe and ready to commit. This is exactly the reason you are loosing them. If you said that to an employer I'd really wonder about you. People need to take time to investigate all kinds of relationships before signing on any doted lines. This is true of business relationships AND personal relationships. Someone who states they are ready to commit without doing much research is conveying a lack of savvy that makes people question their intellect and skills of discernment. Certainly you aren't so desperate as to commit to just anyone. That you say you scared off 3 or 4 possibles makes me wonder. Would you have commmited to any or all of them? Wow....I've dated dozens of men and can honestly say I wouldn't have committed to an awful lot of them....that's why the relationships ended sometimes. Yes you sound desperate.
I understand the desire for companionship with someone who seems committed to the relationship but that can take time. some recipes take time to put together and I think for the most part romantic relationships take time.
I have an open door policy when it comes to men. I love with an open hand. The ones who really want to be with me...well they just stay and the ones who don't eventually wander away. it's pretty much just that simple for me. I'm not begging, pleading, buying or chaining anyone to my bed. I can't say that I've ever scared anyone off with this attitude. And I never seem to lack for options although at the moment I have to pass on those offers.
You need to ask yourself what your rush towards commitment is all about. You have a child. And he's getting to an age where you are pretty much liberated. You may need to understand why you are so anxious and driven in regards to finding a romantic partner and then change some of those underlying beliefs so that you can relax and allow men to come to you.


- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Rochester, Who Cares?

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You seem a little scary to me. Slow down a little.

- Response by atticus, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Atlanta, Managerial

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If this post and all the responses are an indication of your personality then I see why you are alone.

- Response by atticus, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Atlanta, Managerial

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lol

OMG gf,slow down!

Yes you seem desperate! Ripe? Hello?


lol

You need the exact opposite. You need time with no man to get to know yourself.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Boston, Science / Engineering

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What did Jim said that you need ot compromise?

- Response by sleeksasy06, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Please tell me you didn't describe yourself this way on a dating site.

Describing yourself as "ripe" is kind of... gross. Sorry. To answer your question, yes - you do sounds desperate.

I think you need to relax a bit.

- Response by piscesrising, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Boston, Celebrity

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I was going to write something along the lines of not stewing over the men you have 'driven away', because you don't want a man who is intimidated by you in the first place.

Then I saw all your updates.

Whoa.

Chill.

- Response by pandorasfault, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Teaching

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