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My ex just wants to be friends but I am still madly in love we have a son together it hurts so much
Family & Parenting / 7:53 PM - Sunday July 05, 2009

My ex just wants to be friends but I am still madly in love we have a son together it hurts so much

My ex wife and I have just seperated 4 weeks ago, she has made it clear that she only wants to be friends now. I have tried everything from begging to giving her 2 weeks space and nothing has changed. She still wants to be just friends. I obviously want to be there for my son, but she lives out of state and I have moved back home to my parents. I said she could have the house and Im still sending money to her each week for our son. I havent seen my son now since before we seperated and I miss him so so much shes only willing to let me see him for a couple hours at a time, but its unrealistic for me to drive for 12 hours to see him for only 2 hours. I want to be there for him so much but I dont know if I can face seeing her yet. I dream about her every night and cant stop thinking about her still shes made it clear reconcilliation isnt any option, I just wish I could turn my feelings off but I cant! It hurts so much but I dont want my feelings for her to get in the way of being a daddy. Help! - My son is 2 and we were married for 5 years. (known her 6) Im 24 and she was my first girlfriend.

Update: July 05, 2009.
Its been building up for a while, we have had a few arguments recently she kept running to her mom for every little argument which really annoyed me she kept staying at her house overnight with our son when we fought, this time she tried to do it again after another argument (over nothing) and I said if you go I wont be here when you come back (was an empty threat) but then we had a huge massive argument and this is whats happened. Im 99.9% sure there isnt another man involved as far as I know shes been living at her moms for the last few weeks (I am still quite good friends with her brother). I would love to have my son living with me full time but the court will never side with me, they very rarely do go with the father so if anything it would just be visitation i would be filing for and no she has not filed for divorce, yet.

Update: July 05, 2009.
Shes 26, Im 24.

Update: July 05, 2009.
Yeah I have seriously considered it, I even mentioned it to her saying I just want to keep things civil for our sons sake and not involve the courts she then totally flipped out when I mentioned legal action and said shed fight me all the way.. that didnt go down too well so I have held off with it for the moment because I still want to try and work things out between us. Our house is only rented so its not like I have given her that much, just a place for her and our son to stay I took all my possessions apart from the washing machine, tv etc. At the back of my mind I cant help wanting to try and get us back together but she doesnt want to know so I just dont wanna go down that route yet.. although I probably should it has been a month. Its not that shes not letting me see him but she will only let me see him for 2 hours and staying 12 hours drive away out of state its not realistic time or money wise for me to travel 24 hour round trip + find a place to stay overnight (or sleep in the car) for just 2 hours a fortnight or whatever. I did also think seriously about moving back to my parents but seemed the only option at the time as I did not want to kick her and my son out on the streets... I keep sending her money to make sure my son is provided for, she only works part time as I was the provider she must be seriously struggling with money as we werent exactly rich when I was together.. now I have no idea how shes managing to pay the rent, bills and still feed my son thats my priority.

- Asked by A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 22-25, New Orleans

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Honestly, I think you need to give the relationship some breathing room and just focus on your son right now. I think if you stop smothering her, she might come around. Has she filed for divorce? If she's not letting you see your son, you might want to look into taking legal action.

- Response by sunshinehighway, A Thinker, Female, 22-25, New York, Medical / Dental

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You need to get yourself a lawyer man or go to several for initial consults and then choose someone to represent YOUR interests. And you know what? While you're at it sue for custodial custody of your son. Bring him to your parents to live. Don't just give her the house. Are you nuts????? And stop sending her money......If you have custodial custody than she has to pay YOU for child support. Do this now and don't delay.
Playing it like a sap won't get her back either. And after you do all the things I've suggested say to her, "We can still be friends though!"

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Rochester, Who Cares?

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I agree with joybird. I think giving her everything is a bad move. I also think moving so far away wasn't a good move either. You need a lawyer NOW.

- Response by nursefromky, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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How old is she? Sounds like she's got some other interest in someone else and she doesn't want to completely let go of you. Anyway stop begging and let her go, if you are a good man she will realize her mistake and come crying back to you. then the question will be; do you really want someone who was unsure about wanting you? Your son is young he knows that something is different and will adjust. If you are residing in another state you to need to come to an agreement on visitation, this is very important.

- Response by te12, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 26-28

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This is why men get screwed out of the house and having their kids. Once you leave the house, it is hers. Once you leave the kid with her, she will get custody unless you prove her unfit (which is hard to do if you thought she was fit enough to leave him with).

Waiting to file for temporary orders is asking to get screwed over further. You need to establish visitation and hoping she'll change her mind is a bad reason not to do it. They will establish times you get to see your son. Check the laws in your state, but you may not have to file for divorce to get an order regarding child custody. You will get him at least every other weekend and often other days in between.

- Response by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Seattle, Technical

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My friend first of all let me say that regardless of what happened between you and your ex, I'm sorry she is holding your relationship with your son as ransom. Regardless of how frantic she gets when you bring up the legal option, you need to ignore that and proceed with litigation. Put aside the fact that you have EVERY RIGHT to be an active part of your sons life, you need to protect yourself from someone who seems to think she holds all the cards. There is nothing more frustrating to me then a situation like this when both parents have been involved since day one, but then all of the sudden one of them feels they have final say on things like visitation?! please. She needs to grow up and realize that she should be lucky that you are a stand up guy taking care of his responsibilities and not a deadbeat who disappears never to be heard from again. Get a good lawyer and fight for joint custody. As for your feelings, there really isn't anything that I can say to you to help you with that. Only time will help to heal those wounds, and trust me it does. In the meantime, try to remind yourself of how she is handling herself during this time. Yes, all involved are emotional, but one thing I can say about my exwife and I is that neither one of us have EVER tried to get in the way of the others relationship with our son. EVER! What does that say about her if she is doing that to you? Best of luck to you.

- Response by daydreamer1, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Chicago, Financial / Banking

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