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The object of hostility and defiance?
Family & Parenting / 1:29 PM - Tuesday October 27, 2009

The object of hostility and defiance?

Last evening I was cleaning up dinner dishes from my boyfriend and his 11 yr. old son. The 11 yr. old was asked to bring his dishes to the kitchen while my boyrfriend went into an adjoining great room. The boy began to just rinse off his plate, glass and silverware leaving food particles on it as he placed it in the dish drainer.
I called him back and requested he place his dishes in the soapy water where i was washing dishes. He literally forcefully threw his dishes at me, hitting me and bouncing into the sink. Whining I don't see why I have to do this? I yelled do not throw your dishes at me. He mumbled something to the degree he did not.
This act was purposeful and defiant. I did not want to have a conversation with his father while the child was around, ragging on him. The father was scolding him earlier about some anti social behaviors. So I waited until this morning. The father told me I did not place much emphasis on the event and he thought I was passing it over. I emailed him later, my focus concerns that I considered this abuse. He replied that I need to address the event at the time of the occurrence otherwise it is ancient history to his son.

- Asked by A Career Woman, Female, 56-65, Medical / Dental

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I can tell you this - if my 11 year old son threw a dish at my date, s/o, friend, stranger he would regret that act for a long time. I cannot fathom why we allow our children to act the way they do; make excuses for them and then wonder why school shootings occur.

Children should respect their elders. Period. End of story. I would not drop this. I would talk to the child and ask him if he remembers throwing the dish at you. I would explain to him that that is to never happen again. EVER. Tell him what the consequences will be. I might even wax eloquently about what seperates us from the beasts is our common courtesies to each other.

WOW. I have children (two adult chilren 22 and 21 and a 15 yearold and a 10 year old). I am happy to say that none of them would do something like this. Yes, they have tempers, and feelings and frustrations and have slammed doors (which if done to excess has led to my removing the 15 year old's door for a week or two - she stopped doing that) but I know they would never throw something at an adult.



- Response by justme85206, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Phoenix, Other Profession

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I don't know what is the norm but if you could get an 11 year old boy to even bring his dish to the kitchen you are doing better than I ever did. You have posted stuff about him before. You know, it is OK to say kids are a dealbreaker and move on. The father is NEVER going to take sides against his son.....nor should he.

- Response by livestolaugh, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Managerial

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Community Rating: Community Star

Will your S/O attend parenting classes with you?

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Managerial

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He is correct. You address it at the moment it happens. At 11yrs old the kid's hormones are kicking in and obviously you have never had kids.

- Response by clueless37, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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Your boyfriend is right - that kind of behavior must be addressed *immediately* and made clear to the kid at that moment, that his behavior is completely unacceptable. You have to let kids know that you will not tolerate disrespect and you have to be adamant about it.

The method of punishment should be determined by dad - or by you & dad together depending on how involved you are - at the time it happens.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Financial / Banking

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An 11 year old child is not a dog, he will have memories for events that occurred more than 5 minutes ago. While I agree with you that this is something that still should be addressed with the child, it is your boyfriend's prerogative as the parent to decide how to reprimand him - and that needs to be respected.

- Response by ddegon, A Married Girl, Female, 26-28, Washington, DC

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Uh, where was your bf when all this was going on? He should have been there to do the disciplining.

- Response by catscratch, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Executive

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How about addressing problems before they happen, kids will misbehave if they think there is no consequence for their behaviour.
Come up with a list of rules and consequences then sit down with your stepson and go over them with him in a friendly manner.
For example
If you talk back or are saucy, you wil be grounded for one week (or whatever)
if you lie or take something that's not yours - this will happen
you are expected to do the following chores - if you don't this will happen
this way everyone is clear about the rules and the consequnce of breaking htem.

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Lets face it. You aren't his mother. Deal with it.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Seattle, Construction

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He is 100% right. From a teacher.......

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, Who Cares?, Teaching

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He is right. That said...why the hell do you own a dishwasher if you're going t pre wash the dishes? Is your dishwasher from 1979? Seriously, ALL modern dishwashers are designed to take dirty dishes straight from the table.

- Response by girldownunder, A Life of the Party, Female, 29-35, Sydney, Medical / Dental

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P.S. Many men have a rule for doing house work. If we do it, we do it our way. If she wants it done her way, she can do it herself. No man wants a female who demands he do part of her housework and then bitches about how it gets done. That just doesn't fly. If you want it done YOUR way, you should do it yourself.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Seattle, Construction

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