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Just looking for unbiased opinions on this situation.
Married Life / 10:02 AM - Wednesday October 28, 2009

Just looking for unbiased opinions on this situation.

My Husband & I are High School sweethearts. We've had are ups and down like anyone. Mostly are downs were during high school ( Drama, other people etc... )
Well now we are 21 we have a beautiful 10 month old Daughter ( We were married before she was conceived )
My Husband has just returned from a year-long deployment to Iraq and things are hard now.

I'll admit they are difficult because of me. I'm having trouble trusting him.

When we were in High School, there was a specific girl who liked to cause problems between him & I. Just purposefully doing things that would bother any girlfriend. They both had a thing for each other but never acted on it. In our Senior Year, we took a "break" which we were friends but no longer together, but there was a lot of heartache. ( He promised to stay at home with me for Prom since I didnt have a date, ended up ditching me and going with the girl)

Then we graduated High School. We decided to give it another go, we moved in together and were happy, but that girl came around a few times which really upset me, he lied about her being there and other things.

Well then he decided to join the army. And I supported him and stuck with him. He graduated Basic and We got married. (And when we got married that day I specifically said, " I'm so glad to start a new life without her")

We had a good year of pure newlywed bliss after that, then he had to deploy. During his deployment he got in contact with that girl again. He only wanted to be her friend. ( Which I 100% believe) My only problem is I feel like he shouldnt have, I feel he was wrong. He says I need to grow up, that the past is the past. But I honestly can't get over all the heart ache this girl has caused. I know he never cheated on me with her, but shes a constant reminder of our failures in the past. 3 months into the deployment I gave birth to our Daughter. and throughout the deployment we fought about him being friends with this girl. It was such a slap in the face. I felt like I was sitting there with our daughter, raising her,taking care of her, and hes off chatting with that bimbo??

Now he's is back home from Iraq, and I'm having trouble being close to him. We get along like friends just fine. We can laugh and joke and have a good day. But the Romance? the Love? I don't think I can feel that way. I feel so... Betrayed? I know he didn't cheat, but I feel like my feelings were so ignored, and put-down. How can I put all my heart and soul into someone who lets me hurt for his own gain?


I want honest answers please. If you think I'm being a complete moron, then please tell me. I can't get advice form anyone we know, because those closer to me agree with me, those closer to him agree with him. I need REAL answers.



- Asked by Female, 18-21

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Love is a choice.

You have to choose to love him, and that will probably mean that you are going to have to get over any feelings of betrayal that you may have. Before you jerk me, hear me out. Tell him how hard it is for you to keep your love for him with her in the picture. Do it without whining, nagging or anything else. He SHOULD then honor your request to stop communication with this girl, but even if he doesn't, it will still be your choice as to what to do. You know he hasn't cheated. That is a real good thing, one that you can be proud of. That in itself says TONS about his feelings for you. YOU are his wife, his lover, his best friend. Think on that, and rejoice in that. You are who he comes home to, you are the mother of his child. Look at all these positives, and stand up for your self. Remember that he has been through hell this last year, and he needed extra support from friends, family, and especially you during this time. He has changed. Probably for the good. He has had to grow up, mature ten years in only one, and very likely had to do a lot of things that were required of him in that time, whether he agreed with them or not. Bless his heart for serving our country, you, and all of us here at home. He has fought enough. Love him, and he will love you back. Try to realize a better life with him. If you keep fussing about this girl, you may run him away. That would be very sad.
Tell him and show him that you can be the big girl. Show him a thousand ways you love him. Communicate, don't argue with him. She is only a wart on your ass, not a slap in the face. You already won him, now go to work and keep him.

- Response by beemerdoc, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Technical

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As one with 3 failed marriages, I can honestly say that open communication is THE KEY to a successful marriage... without that, neither of you will ever resolve the issue(s) and be able to move forward as a cohesive unit....

- Response by bytor, A Rebel, Male, 36-45, Pittsburgh, Managerial

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Community Rating: Community Star

Being separated and having him in Iraq might cause you trouble being close to him temporary. You probably had to separate him at times to survive and care for your child as you were worried that something could happen to him.
He may feel that you can't get close and perhaps he is bringing in the other woman to make you jealous. A poor attempt but a desperate one to have you care in his eyes. You need to tell him that she has to be left in the past so you can both move on to your future. I would also reccomend you get a trusted babysitter and take your man away on a romantic weekend so you can reconnect as lovers. You have to tell him how betrayed you feel and how hurt you are so that you can deal with those feelings and get rid of them..If you don't they will eventually destroy your relationship. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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If you want the marriage bring the romance back.Do'nt give him reason to roam.Go to a counciler.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Tampa, Who Cares?

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This would be a good time for some counseling. The military has special programs for this stuff. Not just the bimbo but decompression and re-ntry to life.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Boston, Science / Engineering

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If he didnt love you he wouldnt be with you...he would run off...

If you know he didnt cheat on you then let it go your just hurting your relashionship BUT your right you feel betrayed because of her you had problems before...if you feel uncomfortable him talking to her then let him know. If shes not a big deal to him he will stop talking to her. Why would he want to risk loosing his wife and baby girl for that woman that caused you problems before?

(damn that girl just doesnt give up does she?)

- Response by lbgal13, A Married Girl, Female, 22-25, Self-Employed

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Well, first off I see two things - 1. he was in Iraq and probably wanted another friend to talk to but why did it have to be her - yeah see that too. 2. He was a complete and total asshole for looking her up after all those years. But then I think did he really ever stop talking to her or did he just not tell you he did? And as far as him saying you need to grow up and get over it. WHOA . slap that asshole in the face, no one tells me to get over and you should never tell anyone that.

I was involved with this kid years ago that had this "ex-girlfriend" that just won't go away for whatever reason. I felt betrayed that he kept in contact with her, it wasn't like he was hiding it, but he wasn't completely open about it either. She was the only female that I have ever felt threatened by - that he would cheat on me with her. Come to find out, after wasting three years with him, that he was screwing her the whole time we were together. There was a reason I felt threatened - because she was a threat. ALWAYS go with your gut instincts.

Then my now husband, did almost the same thing to me. He had a daughter with this chic and within the first year that we were together, he ended up moving in with her - for the daughters sake. I convinced myself nothing was going on, until a year later (he was already moved out by this time) I found out she was 7 months pregnant. He ended up leaving me to marry her and then left her to be with me. But she was another person I felt threatened by and I was proved right - she was a threat.

Just because he may not be having sex with her, does not mean he is not having an emotional affair with her. Did you ever ask him why he feels he needs to be friends with her? If he valued your married and respected you he would stop talking to her.


- Response by A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35

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You're a moron yes, but at your age, you come by it honestly. Most poeple are moron's in their teens and early 20's. Please understand that it's a neurological thing. Your frontal cortex, the area responsible for forethought and consequences, is not fully developed until you are 25.

That said, he does NOT want to be "just" her friend. He may tell YOU that, and he may even try to convince himself of that, but deep in your heart you KNOW The truth, especially if he's lied about contacting her, or tried to cover up the extent and content of his conversations/contact with her.

You treat him how to treat you. If it bothers you, you should not tolerate it. Give him a choice, you or her. Don't listen to people who say "don't do ultimatums". Those people let other walk all over them, or walk all over others. It is healthy and normal to set boundaries of what you will tolerate in a relationship. Set your boundary. If he honours it, then he's a keeper. If he doesn't, or he freaks and tries to turn it all back on you (deflection tactic when he's been busted and knows it), then let him walk.

- Response by girldownunder, A Life of the Party, Female, 29-35, Sydney, Medical / Dental

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Tell your husband this:
He needs to step up to the plate and be a better husband and a role model for his daughter.
He obviously still has some kind of feelings for this other woman but he is YOUR husband now.
He made the choice to be with you and to be married to you and now that he has a daughter, he needs to have some integrity and honor.

You are not being a moron at all.

Having friends of the opposite sex, that either of you have ever had any kind of friendship or relationship with is just asking for trouble and drama.

Tell him he needs to grow up and be a man and love you with all his heart.

Tell him he needs to tell that other woman to keep her distance because he is married to you, not her.

He has broken the trust you thought you had with him and he needs to work to rebuild that trust.

Ask him how he would feel, if you were friends now with a former boyfriend, or if you had been communicating with a former boyfriend while he was in Iraq?

Trust works both ways, and he needs to understand that he has a responsbility to you and your daughter to be loyal and faithful to you and her.

- Response by 1966steven, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Tampa, Teaching

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I COMPLETELY know where your coming from. Similar situation happened with me and my boyfriend. This one girl was all over him, he kept talking to her as "friends",hanging out wit her as friends, comin over late nights..etc., while he knew I had a problem with it. My thing is, your hubby KNOWS this girl has caused problems in ur relationship..while it is not all her, some him, n a little bit of u(the trust thing), why does he still continue to talk to her? Why does he have the URGE to find her and look her up while in the army when he has you there for support? Does he still have feelings for her, bc thats what it sounds like..Im not picking sides...but I honestly think if he truly truly cared, he would stop talking to this girl because it is causing such an impact on ur relationship, and if u express this to him, and he loves you, he shouldnt have a problem with it. If u need to talk, im here, went through the exact same thing! Good luck!

- Response by alibaby33, A Hippie Chick, Female, 18-21, Detroit, Student

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