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I don't want kids...ever but girlfriend does, what to do?
Dating / 1:49 AM - Tuesday November 10, 2009

I don't want kids...ever but girlfriend does, what to do?

Well that's the just of it....I have been dating my gf for over a year now and everything is going absolutely great. Truthfully, one of my best relationships yet. Problem is, she has a daughter that's 4 years old, which is totally cool with me but she wants to eventually have my "child". There is no rush and she's thinking long term, around 5+ years down the line.

I, on the other hand, can't even grasp my mind around having a kid nor do I ever want one. Will that ever change for me? We are both the exact same age, 25, but obviously she has the mother instinct in her. I don't mind being there for her daughter but I do NOT want the responsibility of ever having my own child. The older I get and friends that I see with kids, the less I want one of my own, yet when I was younger, I remember wanting to have kids! I know this for sure will cause some sort of problem with us later on....

- Asked by A Career Man, Male, 22-25

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You're right. It WILL cause problems. She's got the parental instinct, and you don't. You are still young, and who knows? You may change your mind.

But the mindset you say you have right now is not one who should be planning a future with a woman who wants to have another child.

Ask yourself this: What would you do if birth control failed, and she ended up pregnant with your child? I'm not talking about her "trapping" you by purposely going off the pill and not telling you or getting pregnant by some other guy, etc. I'm talking about a woman you love and trust conceiving a baby from having consensual sex with you and only you, while using what you both counted on to be reliable birth control. She breaks the news to you, and how to you react?

If your immediate instinct would be to get angry with her for letting it happen and/or pressuring her to have an abortion or maybe just abanoning her to fend for herself because you can't deal with a kid, you should break up with her right now...tonight...because you obviously have VERY different values.

On the other hand, if you can see yourself being scared yet also excited about a little person who's a part of each of you, you might be father material after all.

But hopefully you will figure out what you want or don't want BEFORE any surprise conceptions happen.

And if you decide you absolutely don't want kids, please get a vasectomy as soon as you can and also avoid getting involved with women who want babies.


- Response by uniquelyme2, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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This can be a deal breaker. The majority of women that express the desire for motherhood, MEAN IT! And, they are relentless in their pursuit of this desire.

She will not change her thinking and if you are firm on yours, then I strongly suggest parting of ways NOW. It will only get more difficult as time goes by and the years pass. It would be a shame to waste even five years with someone that there is no real future with. :(

- Response by randyl, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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Let's say you wanted to be an artist and that was your dream, and she couldn't deal with the lack of income, or you wanted to live in France as your ultimate goal and she hated all things French with a passion... in both those instances, the only way the relationship would work would be if you gave up your dream and that would be unfair to you.

Similarly, if having a child with her husband is her dream, and you are absolutely against this, then it's unfair to expect her to give up her dream.

It would be much better for both of you to break it off now, if this is the case. Talk to her and be honest - tell her you cannot imagine yourself ever having a child. She can tell you whether this is a desire that she can live without, albeit with some disappointment, or if it is a dream and she cannot live without it.

Anyway, good luck to you. I realize it will stink if you have to break up with her over this, but if you realize you're going to be incompatible - better break off sooner rather than later, before one of you us bitter and the relationship becomes sour anyway.

- Response by curvysmartgirl, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Well if you plan on being with her in the future you better let her know how serious you feel about this. She may think its a phase and you will move past this. If this is not the case then you guys better sit down now and discuss this.

I can understand, its hard to date for me to fall into a relationship now days cause guys my age want to settle down get married and have kids. I on the other hand dont mind getting married but in another 5-6 years. I have already been down that road and not in a rush. Also i dont want anymore ( i have 2 already) and its hard for guys to deal with it. Be honest with her and dont budge in what you feel.

- Response by thicallover, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, New York, Administrative

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you are frotunate the lady is giving u sometime to think about it i suggest thatyou tak etime however explain to her how you feeling and that feelings do change. give yourself time peharps as you grow you will have that feeling of wanting to have your own kid

- Response by 1thing, A Thinker, Female, 22-25

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