| | | Public Service Announcement (Disclaimer-- if you are perfect, your relationship is perfect and you've learned everything there is to learn skip this posting) :-D
I see an overabundance of boo hoo postings about relationships. (Yes, I do realize A/O is a q & a relationship site) Often they are a result of poor pickin' (deicision making skills, inexpereience, et al) vs. something went horribly and unexpectedly off the rails. Here is a cheat sheet to help avoid some common pitfalls as gathered from 40 years of livin' in hopes that it helps some A/Oers avoid pain, confusion and general drama trauma:
(In no particular order)
-Over an extended period of time watch to see if s/he does what they say they will do. People, especially new people will say anything. Actions count for more. Always believe what you are shown. Don't make excuses because you dig them, for continuing to invest your time and energies into people who aren't capable of following through with what they've said. When people show you through their actions their regard for you it's always the truth. Accept it. Determine if it's a deal breaker for you or not.
-Don't allow your hope and desires to taint what really is happening. No matter what you'd like the relationship to be, always recognize what it actually is. This takes strength and acumen on your part. It's far too easy to walk down the wrong road because of your wants, if you're not paying attention to staying on the path of what you actually need. Doing so usually does not yield results that bring sustained happiness.
-Determine what you deserve. One of my favorite quotes is "you deserve what you accept". Meaning, if you accept shit from others it's because you've decided on some level that *that's* what you deserve. Decide the standards out of others that you actually do deserve and hold others to it. Period. Once you put into action that you don't deserve xyz behavior out of mates, you will no longer stand for it, leaving opportunities for those truly worthy of you to come into your life.
-Do the work. Relationships aren't magic carpet rides, mysteriously taking you on some crazy ass ride of unicorns and rainbows. Healthy, fruitful and positive relationships require work, honesty, compromise, an ethic of teamwork/partnership and commitment, which are not always easy and fun, but the pay off is outstanding.
-Character. Show it, Require it. Temptations to fuck up a relationship are out there and pop up in a myriad of ways. No one is under any obligation to act on temptations. We all have the free will to make choices when temptations happen. Strong character that prevents you from acting in ways detrimental to your relationship is super sexy.
-If you want a relationship vs. a fwb set up, don't engage in fwb behaviors.
-Specifically for girls... There is no code book for guy speak. Nine times outta 10, he meant exactly what he said. Guys don't do a lot of reading between the lines. There usually is no secret meaning. It's just not their SOP. If you really, really don't understand what he meant, ask him to explain.
-Leave your baggage at on the porch before you enter the door of a relationship. Keep the knowledge and lessons learned, but don't hold a new person hostage because of experiences from past relationships. It's not fair and it's not conducive to building a solid foundation for something new.
-Realize that every new relationship isn't necessarily "the one". If so, we'd all be married to our first love. Accept that you can have fun, enjoy one another and that it may be a part of a learning experience that sets you up for when "the one" crosses your path-- and that there's nuthin' wrong with that. Dating is simply the act of figuring out if you belong together. Continuing on with something you know isn't going to work in the long run is a time waster, for you both. There are no prizes given for sticking with the wrong one.
-Sex. Do you have it to get love? Or do you have it to give love? Engaging in it to get love doesn't work. Just a fact. Pussy and dick is far too readily available for it on it's own to have the power to make him/her develop feelings/love for you. Now, if you're sexin' because it's fun, you both want to and it feels good, more power to you. Does it sometimes evolve into a relationship that is loving? Sometimes, yes. Mostly, no. Just be real enough with yourself and it's place in the context of your relationship to know there is a difference. If you are doin' it to give love you owe it to yourself to be sure s/he is actually worthy of that love.
-Remember the common denominator in all of your relationships is you. Explore it and you will learn valuable lessons that will only benefit you in future relationships. None of us is perfect, but we all can be smarter and better...if we're willing to do so. Honestly recognize your accountability for the good and not so super things you bring to the relationship table. You do yourself no favors by living in a Lalaland of who you are. Fantasy is a wonderful place to vacation and visit to from time to time. It's an incredibly fucked up place to live.
-Enjoy the good times. Prepare by building a solid foundation for your relationship for the inevitable hard times.
-Learn the subtle differences between loving the way you want to and how the other person needs it. They aren't always the same. Of course, this doesn't mean you desert your way, it means you learn to adapt in some ways to giving your other what they need. Two people are always going to have differences in how they approach things and ideally want things to be. This is a opportunity to mesh together. Hold your partner to the same.
-Head games, like Trix are for kids. Do you want to be the person s/he likes (loves) because of you? Or do you want to be the person who through trickery and fibs conned someone into falling for you under sketchy circumstances? Your choice. Again, expect the same level of no games out of him/her. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated emotionally. Require straightforwardness.
-If you are important to him/her they will always show you. Recognize the ways they show you. Conversely, if they aren't showing you that you are an important part of their life, recognize that too. If you are important to him/her, s/he will not allow days, weeks to go by without talking to you, only contact you when they wanna get some, "forgetting" their commitments to you and plans with you, or too busy, etc. If you are important to them they will, come hell or high water let you know.
-Jealousy shows your insecurities and/or a lack of trustworthiness of your other. Both are problems that will not create a good solid relationship. Find someone you can trust. Trust is not something willy-nilly given. It's something that's earned. If s/he is untrustworthy, what the hell are you doin' with them? Yes. Even if they have a million and one other great qualities. Trust is a keystone of a successful union. If you are insecure, then it's an issue you need to work on. Jealousy on your part is not an indicator of your level of love for your guy/girl.
-Be real. Be the person you are and the person you want to be. Don't present a facade of something/someone you really aren't. (<-- this is when it's really important to know you) No one is that good of an actor, for that long. Showing someone the illusion of what you think they want might work for a few dates or months, but won't work in the long run.
-When/if you realize s/he is not treating you the way you want to be treated be strong enough to deal with it in a way benefitial to you. If it can be addressed and fixed and the person and relationship are worth it, fix it. If it's just who and what s/he is and is showing their true feelings for you, don't invest your time into getting bogged down in the 'why'. Use it for what it is, an opportunity to stop wasting your goodness on them and an opportunity to move forward and open your life up to someone who appreciates you and treats you as you actually deserve. It ain't always easy, but it is always for the best.
-Your confidence and security in you is priceless and attractive to potential mates. Are you perfect? Of course not (psst...no one is). Are there things you can do to make you better? Sure. Will you do what it takes to change, grow or otherwise better yourself? Only the shadow knows... But don't discount the wonderful things you already have been blessed with. Acknowledging those good things within yourself, without being boastful or cocky about is desirable to the him or her whose interest you have piqued. It's more important than this seasons new shade of lipstick, the measurment of your waist, your bring home pay or your car. Much more important.
-Know that most people (yes, yes...there's always an exception), in most situations will do the minimum, if more isn't required or expected of them. Especially if they don't feel like the pay off is great enough to offset the added effort. Be worth their extra efforts and let them know you are grateful for their efforts. Taking the good for granted is an excellent way to tell your other that those things are unimportant to you...so unimportant that it would be fine if they didn't do abc...and soon enough, they won't.
-Have fun. Dating and building a relationship is exciting, and yes, there are things that you need to be serious about in creating the dynamic, but overall it should be joyful for both parties.
As you can see, not so much of a question as a share session (...Not even a full listing of things people should know. Just a few things that consistantly keep popping into my mind as I read the board). Ok, your turn A/O nation, chime in with your dating/relationship gems, truths and tips, or give your viewpoint if it differs from mine. GO!
- Asked by imjoeygirl, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Columbus, Who Cares? |
