How much responsibility do you have in your s/o's well-being? I have anxiety-related insomnia and nights are difficult for me. I need to try to wind down about an hour before bed, not watch thrilling movies or tv, no arguments or stressing out. My husband is a night owl, loves for me to watch movies and tv with him and tends to want me to stay up with him. We have had lot of arguments and discussions about this and we've talked about it in counseling. I have asked my husband to not argue or deter me when I say I am going to bed. He has improved but still does it sometimes. I go to bed all frustrated and stressed out. Yes, he's emotionally clingy.
Recently, there were two incidents: we were watching a show and he said the host gave a really articulate and great speech, did I want to see it. I said yes, but not tonight. I was in the kitchen and he puts it on anyway, wanting me to watch. I gave in instead of saying not tonight. It really was a great speech!I then am getting ready for bed and he's standing in front of the bathroom, talking about the lecture topic. I have to move around him to get ready and finally, I say in a very nice way thatI am enjoying the talk but I need to get to bed. "I'm not stopping you!!!" he says, upset and defensive.
Then, last night, he went to bed right before me and I decided, against my better judgment, to crawl in bed with him for a little while. We don't sleep together normally due to my insomnia and he's really hard to sleep with. So, I tell him I can only stay a minute and he starts talking about something that is upsetting to him (not about me). 30 minutes later, after consoling him and saying we just need to pray about it, God has always taken care of us before, I say I need to go to bed. "I am NOT stopping you! Don't say that!!!" I ask what he wants me to say and he finally comes up with, "I am going to bed." Sheesh, this man with split a split hair. Anything, anything at all to not be at fault or have any responsibility in anything. I go to bed and get settled and then I feel the mattress move. He's getting in bed with me! I carefully asked (he is very sensitive and defensive) what he's doing in bed with me. He takes my hand... and you know what he wants. It was just for a quick release but still! He'd just said he doesn't keep me from sleeping and he's in my bed??? We have gone around and around on just the issue of late-night sex. That's when he wants it and gets mad if I say no. I tell him he has from the time he gets home until about 9pm to bust a move and he's very oppositional and have been resistant to this. He has gotten better once he realized it's much better to get willing sex early in the evening than no sex or obligatory sex late at night. Anyway...
He's been doing similar things for years. I will say goodnight and he will suddenly just HAVE to show me something or wants me to see some video or something he made. He has finally admitted to have separation anxiety but doesn't deal with it in our counseling.
My question is, what do you think your role is in your s/o's wellbeing? If he or she has an issue that can be exascerbated by things you do that are just normal parts of life (example, if he/she is an alcoholic/drug addict/food addict, do you or would you be careful about your behavior in front of them so as not to negatively influence them?)In my case, my husband is wide awake and wanting to connect with me when I need to be getting ready for bed then sleeping. He will put a movie on at 9:00 or later and I need to be in bed or at least getting ready by then, and then want me to come and watch it with him. Or he will want to somehow deter me. I try to engage him/have sex/spend time earlier in the evening so that we do have quality time. He doesn't do this every night, thank God, but it's enough to be very frustrating. If I complain, he says it's my responsibility to have good boundaries and say no or that I need to go to bed. I say I shouldn't have to defend my boundaries time after time.
What do you think?
- Asked by Female, 36-45
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